What the heck is a boundary anyway?
Not a day goes by in my coaching practice that the term “boundary” doesn’t emerge during a session. In spite of how often the topic or term occurs, it’s rare that a person fully understands what a boundary is, how to set them, why to set them and the symptoms and consequences of poor boundaries.
Boundaries are defined in many different ways. First, boundaries are not rules, they are guidelines that can change and be adjusted according to the circumstances that evolve. Boundaries are not implemented to get someone to do something you want them to do or to stop doing, boundaries are about me understanding what is acceptable and unacceptable in my life. If people struggle with boundaries personally, they will undoubtedly struggle professionally.
During a recent coaching session, my client described their plan to disclose elaborate personal details with their Human Resource manager. I glanced back with the client to their childhood upbringing which helped uncover why they felt they should openly share personal details of their life with their HR manager.
Boundary circles
Boundary styles vary greatly along a boundary continuum. From the most rigid when a person possesses black and white and/or right and wrong thinking to the complete opposite when anything goes and no filters are in place about what to say and share. An effective approach to define and understand boundaries is to explore boundary circles.
The inner circle is dedicated to the closest few people in your life, not a few hundred. We strive for one and maybe you are fortunate to have 2 or 3. These people know the most about you. They know your secrets. You call them first when you’re having issues or want to share something exciting! They are reliable, trustworthy, dependable, and you know they won’t share your business and often are with you for many years and possibly a lifetime.
The second circle is dedicated to the people you have in your life for that possess similar interests, hobbies and values. They may be a close co-worker, a sibling, a walking friend or your in law. You share with them however there are limits in what you share. They are trustworthy, but you don’t share with them your deepest, darkest secrets, thoughts or views. This group can be much larger than the first circle.
Finally, the third or outermost circle. This circle is comprised of people you have less contact with, and less things in common. They may be your friend’s spouse or partner, a person on a work committee, a person on a sport’s team, a healthcare professional you have seen many times, your mail delivery person, your clergy, your family member’s family member. You are cordial and friendly with one another. You share stories, you may have meaningful conversations however there is no traction to move the relationship to a deeper level. This group is the largest of the three.
Now draw 3 circles and assess yourself and your relationships
Poor boundaries & how they evolve
Those with poor boundaries (loose or rigid) typically don’t know it. They justify their behaviors. “I just really like people”, “I can’t help it if people tell me all of their secrets”, “just because you don’t like people doesn’t mean I shouldn’t”, “I’m just really private and prefer to spend my time alone”, “people are out to get me”, “don’t trust them, all _____ lie!”.
One of the many thank you notes we can write to our parents is about our boundary issues. Here is a quick and consolidated version of one of the many ways boundaries they are formed. Let’s say you lived in a home and addiction or mental health issues were present. These two issues are the impetus of poor boundaries. If you witnessed behaviors such as lack of respect, high conflict, physical and/or sexual abuse, poor money management, sexual and physical abuse or neglect, verbal abuse, you learned poor boundaries. It’s important to understand that boundaries are learned and we also teach others the boundaries that are acceptable to us.
If you want to explore this more thoroughly, a must have book is: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Dr’s Townsend & Cloud.
How poor boundaries appear in the workplace
We have all witnessed poor boundaries personally and professionally. Here are some common workplace examples:
An employee comes into your office without knocking and sits down in front of you.
An employee or manager who overshares about their personal life.
An employee who arrives consistently late to meetings, their workday and/or leaves early.
A boss who expects or demands an employee to work overtime.
An employee who doesn’t respond to e-mails, phone calls or texts (if texts are permissible).
An employee who doesn’t call off until the last minute or after their scheduled shift.
A manager who talks about employees with other co-workers and subordinates.
A manager who threatens the safety and security of an employee’s job.
An employee who makes inappropriate comments about or to other employees.
An overworked boss who expects their employees to have the same work ethic as them.
So what comes first the chicken or the egg? Remember, boundaries are side effects of other psychological dynamics. There are causes of healthy and unhealthy. Those with healthy boundaries typically possess healthy self-esteem and emotional intelligence. They are able to emotionally regulate and can control impulses. They have balance throughout their lives. The can prioritize, set and reach goals and keep a schedule.
Being a successful manager or business owner requires healthy boundaries and knowing how to effectively respond to poor boundaries. Employees entering the workforce bring a lifelong history of relationship dynamics. Employers don’t typically exume those details during the interview process. It’s critically important to explore boundary issues during the interview, onboarding and probationary periods through a exploring behavioral examples. Employers may be the first example of healthy boundaries employees encounter, therefore employers have opportunities to teach and lead accordingly.
Setting boundaries at work
It’s essential to respond to poor boundaries immediately and not assume they won’t emerge again. Employers and managers have responsibilities that are not always comfortable. Brainstorming and practicing with other managers, human resource professionals, Employee Assistance professionals can improve the process and outcome.
Recognizing what and how to offer constructive feedback is critical. Avoiding the use of terms like “always” and “never” when addressing behaviors. Defining acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Making sure there is a digital or written agreement you both sign. Offering coaching for a set period of time. Utilizing support professionals like Employee Assistance counselors. Reading specific articles, books and listening to podcasts from experts to assure there is a mutual understanding between the supervisor and employee.
In Conclusion
Everyone can benefit from a course on healthy boundaries! It’s important to work to understand boundaries and how they affect personal and professional boundaries. They can be the makers and breakers of many relationships and other life opportunities.There are countless books, podcasts and online resources available. Using a coach or therapist can effectively bring qualities to our attention we are often blind to. A free 15 minutes coaching call is a great way to begin. Give me a call at 440-212-4987 and start your journey to enhancing your boundaries!